You Chose A, Then A, Then A: Down the hatch!

The tiny vial is surprisingly heavy. There is some kind of ornate pattern carved on its sides- little pictures of cats and hands? Your eyes are locked on Parker's irresistable gaze, but you can't help but flinch as you taste the nastiness in that vial. Formaldehyde, rotten potato pulp and fox urine, you guess. Worse still is the texture, which manages to be both slimy and powdery as it coats your convulsing tongue. You really want to hurl, even though Parker is watching, but the stuff seems to press itself down your throat. His/Her face is still, but his/her eyes dance. "What was that?" you try to gasp, but all that comes out is "GLAAAAAGGH!" Your throat is numb, and the numbness seems to be spreading to your chest, your face, shoulders... You drop to your hands and knees. Everyone is looking at you, but you don't care. Your body feels like a bag of eels. Parker steps in front of you, "I'll deal with him," he/she says, and hauls you into a bedroom. "Lie down," he/she says gently, "you're going to be fine."

And you seem fine. Who knows how long you were lying there with Parker smoothing your fevered brow, but suddenly you feel...quite grand, actually. You stand up, embarrassed. "Whoa, that was really something," you stammer, wondering if you'll ever hear the end of this little episode. But your voice sounds different, rougher and deeper. You see something move in the corner and your eyes dart to a hulking, ragged spectre standing there. Its eyes shine yellow and deepset in its strange, gaunt face. You and the creature startle one another in the same moment. "GLAAAAGGH!" it screams. Just then, you realize that you're looking at a mirror. You turn to Parker. "Glaagh?" you whimper. "Come on," Parker says, glazing your muddled heart with a winning smile. She takes you by your yellowed, papery claw and leads you right out the window.

He/She leads you through the dark night, all the way to the harbor. There is a strange-looking ship rocking gently on the water. It is long and delicate, and so old that you are astounded that it stays in one piece. Parker gives your claw a squeeze and leads you on board the vessel, into the single, rickety stateroom. Inside, the room looks enormous and luxurious. Rich fabrics adorn the walls and fine golden things are strewn all about. You feel a gentle press against your leg and look down to find a sleek black cat gazing up at you. Parker turns to you with sudden concern. "I hope it's okay," he/she says, "you just seem so nice and I've been so alone for such a long time. This was the only way I could bring you with me." You couldn't be more pleased. "It's wonderful," you grunt in your rough, booming voice. Parker smiles. He/She claps her hands once, and the barque begins to rise up into the air, sailing freely into space...into the sun...into eternity...

The End.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

You Chose A, Then A, Then B: You don't need that stuff to have a good time.

You look dubiously at the little vial. "I'm trying to cut back," you joke. Parker smirks and unscrews the cap. He/She turns around and dumps whatever it is into the punch bowl. "Maybe this will be even better," he/she says with eyes glittering.

Two people go for the punch, but you feel too shy to warn them. They really seem to like it! Before you know it, everyone at the party is standing around drinking punch like it's an oasis in the burning desert. Everyone but you and Parker. Suddenly, they start convulsing and panting on the floor. "GLAAAGH!" they cry. Horrified, you reach for your cell phone to call for help, but Parker stays your hand. "They're almost finished," she says steadily. "Are you crazy?" you scream, but the writhing party-goers fall silent. They look different. Their skin seems to glisten and their eyes look wider. You gasp as you observe tiny vertical slits opening in their skin just under their ears. Your friend Call blinks at you, but his eyelids slide in the other direction now. Parker stands before the bewildered crowd. "Now," he/she says, "come with me."

You follow numbly as Parker leads the horde of weird fish-people into the street and all the way down to the harbor, where a ghostly clipper rocks gently. The fish beasts stride into the water underneath the ship. Parker hops on board and looks back at you. "Happy Halloween," he/she says as the ship begins to move out into the water...

The End.

You Chose A, Then B, Then A: Make your move and don't worry about who's watchin'

You slide your arm along the top of the loveseat and bring your hand to rest lightly on Parker's shoulders. A shiver runs though you when your arm touches her skin. She feels alarmingly cool...or is it just your nerves? He/She looks at you out of the corner of his/her dazzling eye. Without thinking, you mutter "wanna get out of here?" Parker raises an eyebrow and nods. Well that does it. Your mind is racing to think of a diversion for your lousy friends, when Parker suddenly yelps "oh no! I totally forgot!" He/She pulls out a cell phone and flips it open. "Damn," he/she says, "I can never get any reception with this thing. Does this building have a roof or something?" Whoa! Never heard that one before. You smile and the two of you leave the apartment. "I was bluffing," he/she admits. "Want to go to the roof anyway?" you offer.

You are all alone with the city twinkling below you. Parker wraps his/her arms around you. His/Her hair smells amazing. You sigh as you feel cool lips right under your ear. And then. Blinding pain explodes in your neck as all your blood is ripped from your body! Ouch! No!

The End.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

You Chose A, Then B, Then B: Go to the damn party *grumble grumble*

A Red Vine glances off your nose and you sigh. "Anybody up for that party?" you say.

GO BACK TO BLOG ENTRY:
You Chose A then A again: Party time!

You Chose B, Then A, Then A: That voice is full of promise!

You peer into the gloom and see a sliver of light coming from the back. "Hello?" you call. "Back here!" the voice chuckles, but it's a sexy kind of chuckle. You go to the light and open the door. You can't believe your eyes! Lounging all about the luxurious room are the most attractive people you've ever seen- all the same sex- and they appear to be having a slumber party. Your feasting eyes are nevertheless drawn to the giant urn full of candy in the center of the room. The best looking of the bevy comes toward you, "make yourself at home," he/she says. "Thanks," you say, and grab a Whatchamacallit. As you begin to eat, somebody playfully throws a pillow at you. They all laugh and a wildly cute pillowfight commences. Someone gets ahold of your arms and legs in the confusion. "Put me down!" you laugh, but they don't. Those minxes. Someone slips a soft blindfold over your eyes as they haul you about. This is fun!

They take you into a room with a peculiar humming sound and set you down lightly on a hard chair and you hear them giggle as they run away. You push the blindfold off your eyes. You are in a windowless room filled with sewing machines and people working steadily. Some people appear to be napping in cots that line the walls. Beside each worker, there is a bowl of candy. As you watch, you see robotic arms periodically refill the bowls. You look at your own table, with its requisite bowl of delicious candy and select a Sugar Daddy. A tiny electric shock runs through your seat as your sewing machine comes to life. Oh, so that's how it is. Mmmmmm, that caramel tastes good! You get to work....

The End.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

You Chose B, Then A, Then B: Those kids better get ready, cause you are bigger and more ravenous

Yikes! You are not going in there. You turn tail and trot back out into the street. Everywhere there are gleaming pumpkins, friendly decorations and children carrying ready-made bags of treats just for you! You caper about, robbing the youngest of their loot. You snatch! You dash! It's so easy! After about an hour of this, your body feels a little strange. All that sugar has created a lot of mucous in your throat. You duck into a little alley to do some unsavory spitting. You cough and hack, but the mucous is stuck there in your craw. Losing patience, you suck the glob of goo into your mouth, but it's too large to just spit out. You reach with your fingers and grab the slippery mass. With one motion, you manage to pull a phlegm wad the size of a kitten out of your mouth. Whew! That was cathartic.

You look down at the glistening mass. It quivers and coughs. It begins to breath. Before your very eyes, the creature bends itself into an insect-like form. It slowly stretches itself to articulate its segmented body, and its tiny, crumpled wings begin to expand. You stand by protectively as this transformation occurs. Finally, the little wings hum into action and the strange creature rises up to eye level. Its face is heart-shaped, like an oversized wasp, and it cocks its head at you and makes a small, inquisitive sound. You unwrap a carton of sugar babies and toss one into the air. The creature darts to catch it. It makes a contented purring sound and makes an affectionate circuit around you before it flies off into the night.

The End.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

You Chose B, Then B, Then A: She's spooky, but maybe her heart's in the right place

You follow the girl down the dank stairs into a basement room. As your eyes adjust to the dim light from the street, you see two shiny tables and what looks like stacks of cheap styrofoam coolers. Then your eyes dart to the three figures ghosting toward you from the shadows. You turn to the door in time to see the tiny girl throw an enormous deadbolt home. "Is it going to work this time?" she asks the others. "Only one way to find out," replies a hoarse teenage voice. You whirl around and head for the door. The girl blocks it and you grab her by the shoulders to move her out of the way. She is completely immovable. She lifts her arms up to grasp your waist and her grip is like a steel vise. As she does this, the burlap cloak falls back from her chest, and you see a wire mesh covering what looks like an strange cavity where her lungs should be. She throws you onto one of the tables like a sack of rice. She then takes off her cloak and hoists her own tiny frame onto the other table. "Hurry up," she croaks, "I'm running out of time."

Some bright lights go on as hands press you down, securing your body to the table. You look over to the girl, who is opening up her chest like a bird cage. She lifts out a mess of spoiled meat and rubber tubing and gives it to one of the boys, who begins to pick it apart. She turns her haggard little face to you. "I'm sorry I have to do this to you," she gasps. Someone shoves a rubber mask over your nose and mouth. You struggle to keep your eyes open for awhile. The last thing you notice is the girl's strange ear. It is too large, too old for the rest of her face, and it seems to hang a bit slack from her head. You wonder how long she can keep this up.

THE END

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

You Chose B, Then B, Then B Again: No way you're going down there!

You turn on your heel and get the heck out of there. Before you have time to say "Clearasil," you are surrounded by three extraordinarily dour looking teenage boys. They are standing close to you, but their faces have no expression. They have an odd, unwholesome smell, like Juicy Fruit and vinegar. "Step aside, fellas," you begin to push right through them, but they all grab you at the same moment, as if they had one mind between them. You wrench yourself free and run to the nearest public space- the corner pub. You rush to the bar and demand to use the phone. "There are some freaky kids out there and this little girl. I'm afraid she might be in trouble," you say. A burly character in a skeleton shirt turns to you, "let's go check it out," he says.

Soon, you have a little posse of people. You lead them back to the alley. The boys come lurching out of the darkness toward you, but they have greater numbers just as you do. You don't have time to count them all as the weird crowd comes abling your way. It's confusing. Then one of the boys grabs the burly guy and bites him right on the neck! Blood gushes everywhere and the poor guy howls in pain. Your posse panics, rightly, and people scatter. Some of them get caught by the weirdos and suffer the same fate. You hear a familiar voice calling to you from the stairwell. "Get over here!" hisses the burlap-clad girl. You go to her and she pulls you out of harm's way. "Light this for me, will you?" she hands you a book of matches and a bottle with a rag hanging out of the top. You light the rag and hand it to the girl, who lobs it into the melee with a firey crash. You keep the projectiles coming as the girl chucks them into the thinning zombie horde. "What is going on?" you demand when there's time to speak. "I have to destroy all of them before they get out of control," she sighs. You look at her bloodshot eye, "How do you know about this? Why is this your responsibility?"

She fixes you with a long gaze and opens her burlap cloak, revealing a wire mesh protecting a strange cavity where there ought to be bones and lungs and skin. A hideous rotting smell peeks out from her body. "He made me. And then he had to make them to keep me alive. They will spread their kind, but they will go back to him. Then he means to harvest the parts that still work and replace the parts of me that have...have..." She looks down, ashamed. You want to comfort her, and you reach for her hand. It feels like a glove slipping off. She starts and you realize that the skin of her hand has just come off of its bones. "I don't have much time left," she says. Oh, so that's why she couldn't light a match.

You survey the creatures recovering in the alley. "Are you sure you want to destroy them?" The girl looks exhausted, "more than anything," she breathes. There are no molotov cocktails left in the stairwell, but there is a gas can, still about half full. You take off your clothes and douse your shirt with fuel. "Stand back," you say, dropping a match. "When I say now, pick it up with my jeans and throw it at them," you tell the girl. You pick up the gas can and run into the midst of the zombies, who lurch toward you. You wait until the last possible second before throwing gas on them. "Now!" you yell, and your flaming clothes come flying into the knot of flamable undead. You have saved the day! The burlap girl is not looking too great. She collapses and you carry her into the basement room. She thanks you before perishing in your arms.

The End.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

The End.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

You Chose A then A again: Party time!

You and your buddies arrive at the home of one of Cal's coworkers from the biology lab. These people are more drunk and flamboyant than befits such phenomenal book learning. The living room is cleared out for dancing and Parker leads you to the floor. You feel understandably shy. Whilst grooving to the thudding beat, Parker pulls out a tiny vial from...his/her pocket? sleeve? nowhere? Those smoldering eyes sparkle into yours, "drink this."

Do you
A) Drink that or
B) Just say no

GO!

You chose A, then B: Get that sumptuous creature to stay with you!

You take your shot. "We could start this movie over for you," you go to your DVD collection, "I've got all four. I've got other ones too," you kick yourself mentally for acting like such a dope, but Parker seems to be into it. "Boo!" says Cal, but Joe reads your vibe and helps your cause.

Half an hour later, you and Parker are loafing on the loveseat, taking in the carngage...while your three buddies sprawl on the lovesack and the floor. Cal keeps throwing smarties at your face. You already tried to divide yourself and Parker from the pack with a beer run, but Cal really seems to be enjoying this.

Do you
A) Put your arm around Parker even though your crew is there to taunt you or
B) Just go to the stupid party. It couldn't be worse than this

GO!

You Chose B, then A: Grab that bottle and look out the window!

Enough is enough, you grumble as you jerk open the curtain with your free hand. There is a teenage boy in a cheap vampire costume just inches away from you. The thing is, your apartment is on the fourth floor. The boy's eyes are rolled back in his head and his features look blank. Before you have time to react, his hand jumps through the broken pane and whomps you on the chest. The force of it sends you and the boy flying in opposite directions, you into the coffee table, he into the dark night. Lying there on your back, you feel oddly serene. You feel around on the floor with one hand and pick up a mini Reese's. It's the best thing you've ever tasted. You hunt around until every peanut butter cup has been consumed. The smarties sound pretty good at this point, so you scoop up the bag and venture out in the night in search of more.

The streets are filled with drunk people wearing costumes, and they take no notice of your stocking feet and your messed up shirt. You think of the drugstore, but you forgot your wallet. You need candy! You head up the hill into the residential part of your neighborhood. Little kids are running around everywhere with bags full of...full of... why do you want it so? Unable to stop yourself, you run up to some tykes and yell "GRAAR!" and snatch a plastic pumpkin away from a tiny goblin. So easy! You duck behind a hedge and gorge yourself. When it's over, you look around for another target, but you get a better idea. You walk up to the door of the house behind which you cower and ring the bell. "Trick or treat!" you yell. The door opens, but it's dark and sinister. "Come on in!" a voice calls from within, "Candy's in here!" Your stomach growl, desperate for more sweets. The voice sounds pretty friendly.

Do you
A) Go inside or
B) Forget it. Go steal from some more children.

GO!

You Chose B, then B again: Open the door to the sneering girl

Time to put a stop to this madness and talk sense to these monsterous children. You open the door and your heart jumps. The girl is small, and she's covered head to foot in burlap. Just one bloodshot eye is exposed, and it fixes you with a baleful look. "You're not safe here," she says, drifting past you into the room. She goes to the broken window and pulls back the curtain. "They're gone. This is our only chance," she says flatly, "come on." She takes your arm and begins to tug you weakly toward the door. "Hold on a minute," you say, "who are you people?" A ragged chuckle wrenches itself from her throat. "Now or never," she says. The draft from the window skims the back of your neck. Nonsensically, you grab your keys and follow her out the door.

The street is lined with drunk people in costume and nobody takes any notice of you with your shirt all messed up and the bizarre young girl leading you into the night. You follow her into an alley and down into some filthy, narrow stairs into some kind of basement storage room. You hesitate, as one would. She turns and gazes up at you. "We don't have much time. They're already coming," she whispers.

Do you
A) Follow her in or
B) Turn around and walk away

GO!

You Chose A: Take the smarties and scram!

You open the door, the bag of smarties gaping in your hand, but standing before you are your three best friends and....someone you've never met before. Someone hot! My god, is he/she with one of your buddies? Impossible to tell now. They show off their amazing ability to mimic teenage boys, then rib you about your slovenly state. They stride into your apartment and announce that you are going to a party with them, so you better put on a clean shirt. Or put some red food dye on that one. Cal, the pushiest of your friends, tosses you a set of vampire teeth and tells you to get a move on. Joe, your kindest friend, tells you that the megawatt hottie is her cousin, Parker. Your eyes meet as the windows shudder in the wind. You feel an odd surge go up your spine. He/she glances at the TV, "I love the shopping scene," Parker smiles.

Do you
A) Go to the party or
B) Try to persuade Parker to stay and watch the movie with you

GO!

You Chose B: Go Away, Children!

Grumbling, you gather your scattered candy off the floor and put it back in the bag. The kids knock and chant their petition a second time, and you scoff and wait for them to give up and leave. But they don't leave. You hear their muffled voices through the door. One of the boys says something and the others laugh, their young voices cracking with a sound like donkeys. Then nothing. You tiptoe to the door and peer through the peephole, but nobody's there. Well then. You settle back down to your movie. You love this part. In every zombie movie, there has to be a scene in which the main characters get to go to an empty store and take whatever they want. Some salt and vinegar chips sure would be good about now.

Suddenly, something crashes through your window! It is on fire! Without stopping to think, you grab your whiskey bottle and dump it over the flames. It doesn't help much. The stench of burning carpet fills the room as you take your blanket and hurl yourself on top of the mess. Which turns out to be a bag of poo tied to a brick. Furious, you dash to the window and peer into the darkness. You hear the braying cackle again, and you unleash a streak of foul language until one of your neighbors hollers at you to keep it down. "Not over!" you hear the grating adolescent voices yell in the distance, "We know where you live!" Their laughter sounds frantic.

You draw the curtains in front of the broken window, but the cold wind billows them into the room. You grab your phone and file a report with the police. They say that such pranks are common and there's nothing else they can do at the moment. You begin to contemplate the mess in the middle of your livingroom. There's a knock at the door, meek this time, and a young woman's voice sneers "Trick or treat." You think this can't be a coincidence and wonder if she's in cahoots with the vandals. Just then, the wind whips your curtain, and you think you glimpse someone right outside the window. Do you

A) Grab the empty whiskey bottle by it's neck and open the curtain or
B) Open the door

GO!

Zombie Temps from Outer Space

Are all the scary movies I saw this weekend attracting this parade of weirdos coming through the office today? Is that why? Am I a zombie too, forged in darkness and immune to coffee?

I've just finished webbing up the office for the Spookyween season. (I wonder if it's confusing to the Chinese factory workers who have to bag up the fake spiderweb stuff for American Halloweeners. I mean, what is that stuff?)

Anyway, in honor of the season, I now commence a new Choose Your Own Harrowing Adventure!

You're sitting around the house on Halloween night. You didn't make any plans, thinking you would just hang around the house and rewatch some George Romero movies and maybe demolish a bag of mini Reese's. You settle in with a warm blanket over your knees. The wind howls outside the window in a satisfying way. Suddenly, there's a knock at the door. It startles you and the mini Reese's go flying all over the place. "Trick or Treat!" you hear a chorus of pubescent male voices outside the door. Pushy kids must have seen the flickering light from the TV; you left your porch light off for a reason. And don't those kids sound a little too old to be doing this? Still, you've got that bag of smarties left over from the office party, and you'd rather unload them on some smart ass tweens than end up munching on them yourself. This is going to be a long night and George Evans puts funny ideas in your head. Do you
A) Open up the bag of smarties and open the door
B) Ignore them. Damn kids.

GO!

If it were not Friday, I would be concerned. I haven't had a day off for kind of awhile, what with the concerts last weekend and the one coming up on Tuesday. I hoofed it hard on the way to work, and the heel of my sock completely gave way, so now I have a couple of massive blisters there. For some reason, this gives me the overwhelming impression that I have come to the end of my rope. I don't really need any more rope, so it's okay, but after this afternoon, I'm going to need some rest and some fresh laundry.

It is warm and wet and dark outside. The testing room is full of people- not one seat remains unoccupied, and I am hobbling around madly, keeping track of everyone's timers. I seem to be the only one who showered this morning. There is a strange, human brew going on in there, not unlike the close and humid confines of public transport. One of the gals reminds me of the costume room from my high school drama department, and another smells faintly of Maalox. I hung up the one guy's coat for him, and as I grasped the inside collar, it was warm and damp.